A Vongola Christmas Tale
by Glaux Bryonia
Summary: Featuring the unexpected return of Jesus Christ and Reborn in the role as Herald Angel. Also a rather depressed Maria. Crack!


**You know, I wanted to post something again after my long absence. I did not expect it to be something like this.**

 **Crack!**

* * *

It starts with the baby.

Actually, it starts with the mysterious person who _handed_ him said baby, but whatever. There wasn't much time between the one and the other anyway. Almost none really. So really, it isn't important to be that exact.

Plus said mysterious person was dressed even weirder than Reborn during his more insane flights of cosplaying fancy. It is probably better not to ask too many questions. Anyone who wears an iron hat that wasn't a helmet probably isn't entirely sane. Of course, if someone did wear a helmet while at the same time wearing some kind of trench coat they weren't entirely sane either, except maybe if they were reenactors, or cosplayers or something. Though Tsuna didn't think reenactors were entirely sane anyway. So. Like he said.

Irrelevant.

No, the man in the iron hat wasn't important. The man left immediately afterwards anyway, and thus isn't Tsuna's problem. He might have been a solution, but alas.

The baby. Now _that's_ a problem.

It is a weird baby. It glows. Tsuna will admit he doesn't know much about babies, can honestly say he may have only once been exposed to a baby before, and that one started crying when it saw him. Not the most auspicious start. Still, he's pretty sure babies aren't supposed to glow. Especially not in a way that makes them look as if they're wearing a halo.

Can you even wear a halo? Was that something you did, or was it something you just had? Huh. He probably should have paid more attention in class.

He can ask Gokudera later. For now: baby. Baby in his arms, which seems like a decidedly unwise place to leave a baby, given the amount of craziness that happens to him on an hourly basis.

The man with the iron hat already seemed pretty irresponsible, but wow. Tsuna wonders if the man knows exactly how terrible his decision is.

Pity the man is gone. Now Tsuna can't give the baby back.

Trying very hard not to let his mental scream – which has been going on for twenty minutes now, thank gods mental screams don't require air – become a vocal one, and incidentally trembling with the effort it takes not to flail – because then he'll drop the baby and he does know enough to know that you do not drop babies, Haru would _kill him_ – Tsuna turns to the only person he knows who might have any clue how to handle a baby.

"Hiieeee-! Mom, there's a baby!"

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

"Interesting," Reborn says, patting the unexpected new-born as if testing whether it's real. He shouldn't have bothered. Tsuna could have told him. He is the one who held it first after all.

The baby is still glowing. It's getting really creepy. For some reason the glow is really soothing and makes him want to drop to his knees and sing something silly in what he suspects is Italian while crying tears of joy. It sounds kinda like Italian. Tsuna will freely admit he Reborn's efforts to teach him Italian have so far run into the wall that is Tsuna's sheer incomprehension of any language, let alone a weird foreign one, but 'Gloria' kinda sounds Italian doesn't it? Tsuna is sure it does. Almost sure anyway. Which is more than he is about anything most of the time, so there.

The weird glowing baby is trying to make him sound like a mob boss. Even the baby is trying to turn him into Vongola Decimo. That makes it even creepier.

"It glows," Tsuna moans. "Why does it even glow?"

"Maybe it's holy," Reborn says with that evil little baby smirk that means that Tsuna really ought to start ducking right now, because incoming craziness at two o'clock.

Right on cue, Gokudera gasps, as if Reborn said something absolutely brilliant and mind-boggling.

Tsuna agrees with the latter, but the former makes him break out in cold sweat.

"Of course," Gokudera says breathlessly, flipping through his notebook so fast it really should have stirred up a small hurricane instead of just a minor breeze. "Of course, I should have seen that before, how could I have missed it-"

The litany of self-recriminations does not seem to let up on its own any time soon, so with fear for his sanity and general continued well-being, Tsuna asks what Gokudera is talking about.

Tuna realizes that the remains of his curiosity, worn down as it is after all the times it lead him into nothing but trouble, attests of a rather worrying lack of self-preservation. But Tsuna feels that as a friend, he's obliged to ask.

Big mistake.

"Don't you see it, Tenth? This baby looks exactly like Jesus Christ!"

Tsuna looks at the baby. It looks pretty much like any other baby to him. Tiny, pink, and with a head full of thin blond hair. Certainly no paragon of all that is Good and Holy. It doesn't even talk or drinks wine or walks with the kind of confidence no child under ten should be able to pull off, unlike _some_ babies he could mention. The only odd thing is the glow.

"I don't see it," he says in a desperate attempt to derail what he recognizes is one of Gokudera's more disastrous trains of thought.

He fails. No surprise there at least.

"No, no, Tsuna-sama, just look!" Gokudera's phone is shoved into his face. It shows a picture of a smiling woman in blue and red with a pink, blond-haired baby in her arms.

Tsuna's eyes widen in horror. He looks at the baby. Looks at the picture. Looks at the baby again. And back to the picture.

If Reborn hadn't kicked him in the head he would have continued doing that like a wind-up doll with only one motion, but Reborn does and it dislodges whatever it was his brain had gotten stuck on.

"It's the same," he whispers leadenly. "The glow… it's the same…"

"This is amazing!" Gokudera babbles ecstatically, eyes hopelessly aglow with worshipful fervour. "For the Tenth to have been chosen, what an incredible honour! Even God acknowledges that Tsuna-sama is the best!"

"… Wait, _what_?"

"It's clear as day! The Tenth has been chosen as the new Virgin Maria! The child was delivered to him by an angel! I am deeply humbled to serve such an amazing person!"

"…"

"…"

"Hiiiieeeee?!"

"How wonderful," Reborn says. "Then Gokudera-kun can be the new Josef and I shall humbly take the burden of the Herald Angel upon me. The rest of the Family should be informed of this joyful news."

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

The Family does indeed find this news joyful. At least, Yamamoto is laughing and Ryohei is yelling "Extreme!" with a very large grin on his face, which is close enough to count.

Nana is weeping happily about how her baby boy is growing up so fast. Hibari took one look at the insanity, but instead of leaving while complaining about crowding like Tsuna expected, he seems to have decided that the baby has the right idea, and went to sleep right next to it.

Tsuna tries not to notice how Gokudera is eagerly citing a passage of what he assumes to be the bible about some wolf leaving lambs unharmed, and refuses to admit how apt it sounds.

For some unexplained reason, Mukuro and Chrome are studying the baby's halo with an intense look of concentration on their faces, which Tsuna tries very hard to ignore.

Thank gods that Lambo is still behaving normally, though his constant demands for more candy are worsening Tsuna's headache.

"But I can't be Maria," Tsuna keeps protesting in the feeble and probably misplaced hope that for once someone will listen to him.

"Why not?" Yamamoto asks, clueless as a puppy.

Tsuna splutters wordlessly. "I'm not a girl!" he manages to shriek.

"But you're a virgin, aren't you?" Mukuro says absently, and Tsuna can hear the evil laughter he's supressing in his voice. "Unblemished and pure~"

"You certainly meet the requirements," Reborn adds blithely in between informing Bianchi of their newest addition.

Tsuna's shriek loses all semblance of coherence. "Wha- No- _Reborn_!" he whines. Why does his tutor keep doing this to him?

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

It is decided that Ken and Chikusa should be the ox and the donkey. They are too confused to protest when Mukuro tells them this when they return from doing groceries.

"What is this about?" Ken inquires suspiciously.

"Ah, yes, you weren't there," Tsuna realizes. In all the insanity he had missed their absence. And Reborn hasn't called them either. A miracle. He thought Reborn had managed to give everyone a call by now. The baby hitman makes a terrifyingly effective herald.

Maybe Ken and Chikusa still don't have a phone. That might explain it.

"Weren't where?" Ken demands.

Tsuna doesn't answer, deciding he rather likes having a few people around who won't call him Holy Virgin to his face. He promptly picks up Lambo and walks away.

Thankfully, Mukuro just laughs his creepy laugh and leaves his minions to their confusion.

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

"A baby?" Hana asks suspiciously eyeing the baby in the sling as if it can transform into a spitting cobra at any moment. "Where did you monkeys get a _baby_?"

Tsuna is happy, _so_ happy, that there's someone else who asks the right questions. Hana's sanity is a balm to his soul. He may have started crying spontaneously but he can't help it. Gratitude fills him like the incoming tide at dawn.

"Tsuna-kun, how wonderful! You're so responsible, taking care of your baby at your age!" Kyouko congratulates him. "Who's the mother?"

Tsuna opens his mouth to correct her assumption that he's the father, but Gokudera beats him to it. "Tsuna-sama is!" he states proudly, completely ignoring his boss' frantic attempts to shut him up. "The Tenth had the privilege to bear the Child of God on his return to Earth!"

Kyouko claps her hands, eyes sparkling with happiness and misplaced enthusiasm. Behind her Hana gives Gokudera a look so full of disbelief it should have erased him from existence by sheer lack of faith.

"Is he for real?!" she asks Tsuna, who is morosely shaking his head.

The sad thing is, Gokudera is serious about it. _So_ serious. It's awful.

Kyouko, on the other hand, does not share their problems. Instead she innocently decides to make things worse. "Oh Tsuna-kun, I'm so happy for you! Come on Hana-chan, we have to tell everyone that the Saviour is back among us. And then we'll need to pick out presents. I always wanted to be one of the shepherds!"

Hana manages to shoot Tsuna a horrified look as she's dragged off. Tsuna shares her feelings.

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

Kyouko, Hana and Haru make pretty decent shepherds. Hayato looks approvingly at a lifetime supply of baby milk, a sensible blue blanket, and a huge stuffed animal that may be a lamb but could also be an exploded cotton factory. It is so fluffy it's spherical.

Though Hayato is pretty sure that in the original story no shepherd had gotten it into their head to try and kidnap the Saviour because they thought Maria isn't capable of taking good care of it. Hayato sniffs aggrieved. How dare that woman insult the Tenth so. He doesn't understand why his Boss did not let him deal with her properly.

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

Of course, the self-proclaimed shepherds aren't the only visitors wishing to see the reborn Son of God (pun not intended). Reborn has done his job well, and soon Tsuna has to explain to his father and the Ninth exactly how he managed to hide a pregnancy. He wants to cry so badly, but Reborn will shoot him if he does. Instead he desperately tries to convince the two older men that no, he did not give birth, no, the child isn't his, and yes, it really was just handed to him by a stranger on the street.

It isn't going well.

By the time they leave again all he has achieved is convincing his father that he does not need to have his name changed into 'Maria'. It is depressing how proud Tsuna is of that.

"Here, for the little one," Timoteo says grandfatherly as he hands Tsuna a small box wrapped in gold paper.

Inside is a small gold bracelet with the name 'Jesus Christ' as one of the links in golden letters. Perfectly fit for a baby wrist.

Tsuna despairs, he truly does.

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

After the gift of gold his Guardians are on the lookout for the other modern reincarnations of the visiting Magi of Three Kings Day. Despite himself Tsuna finds himself gripped with the same anxiety as his Guardians as they wait for more visitors to appear.

"I bet Xanxus will be Herod," Gokudera mutters darkly.

"Haha, still angry that he tried to kill Tsuna, aren't you?" Yamamoto laughs.

Tsuna wisely doesn't mention that Xanxus came along with his father and the Ninth when they visited and threw a present at his head. And that it was a rosary.

Made of gold.

Oh dear. Did that mean he'd get _two_ Magi for each of the old ones? He quietly moans to himself, ignoring Gokudera's immediate frantic concern.

He does not think he can handle that.

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

After a hair-raising visit of Byakuran his Guardians revise their opinion on Xanxus and declare the marshmallow-obsessed Sky the next Herod.

Only Tsuna and Reborn notice the purple-wrapped present sitting in the debris of the battleground. Tsuna opens it with trepidation and nearly faints when he sees what's inside.

Reborn just scoffs. "Myrrh. How cliché."

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

"I-pin said you had a child," Fon says with a smile. "Congratulations."

Reborn regards Fon's gift critically. A wooden rattler. Hm. Probably not even from the tree frankincense is harvested from, which is a pity. He takes the opportunity to examine the gift a bit more closely when his idiot student drops it while wailing at Fon about how he does not want to be Jesus' mother. The little heathen. Reborn should shoot him.

Thoughts of messy murder are momentarily shoved to the background when he finds a few sticks of incense inside. Probably as some obscure Chinese good-luck gift or possibly just to drive off the stink of diapers. Anyway, even though it's probably still no frankincense it will do.

"That's three," he says with great satisfaction and blithely ignores Fon's questioning look.

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

Now the shepherds and the three Magi have made their appearance, Reborn realises he needs to read up on the rest of the story. He never took interest in religious history but never before did it hand him such a splendid opportunity to drown his student in chaos either.

Savouring a cup of espresso, he settles down with a bible and starts researching all the ways he can make this whole farce even worse.

Though he suspects that if anyone suggests crucifixion they will get the entire Vongola on their neck. Hm. He _has_ to find a way to get that in somewhere despite that. Maybe he could sell it as a training exercise? Parents should die before their children, after all.

Yes, that might work.

XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX(xxxx)XXX

Kawahira realizes that the situation has gotten quite out of hand. He hadn't intended it to be this way. He'd just given the child to the young Vongola heir because he hadn't been able to find a babysitter in time.

He has to say the unintended results are quite amusing though.

Absently he adds some more popcorn to his ramen.

(And somewhere high up in the heavens, a Father is glad his Son will have a lot more fun this time around)

* * *

 **If you found any mistakes, please notify me. I kinda wrote this in a hurry to still be on time for the official holidays and didn't have enough time to check it over properly. Merry Christmas everyone!**

 **(and for those who don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful time anyway)**


End file.
